Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
