Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
