just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
