They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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