he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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