I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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