OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
