Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
