I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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