His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
