Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
