woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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