When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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