I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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