You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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