I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
