dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
