I wish I could punch you in the face.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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