got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
