Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize