yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
