I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
