bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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