The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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