Already got asked if we're dating
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize