god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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