it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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