I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
