At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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