Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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