Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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