$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
