Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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