um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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