so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it's like iHOP with fire
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
