I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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