I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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