The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
