I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
its liver damage thursday
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
