Tell her she can't have a vagina
I look better un-naked...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
