All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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