She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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