Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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