This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
