I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
