i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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