I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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