Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
