Please, let me fuck your mom
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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