I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
