I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
