the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize