mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude. I can hear the air.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
