i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
