if you like me you must not know who I am
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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