okay pat passed out under dana's car
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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