life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
