Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
