my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize