she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
